It is at nights like this, when I could see all the puzzle pieces fit into place. Everything I have done, everything that has happened to me, has led me here, sitting on this very chair typing away on this very computer at this very moment. I'd say my life has been mediocre. Not particularly hellish. Neither it is triumphant. But why? Aren't we created to be special, to be glorious? But then again who are we to judge ourselves, right?
Tonight, I am just going to write what goes into my mind as I am typing away.
It has almost been a year since I have become a mother. Little did I know that bearing this title means a lifetime commitment. Well, I did know that, but the weight of it is just unthinkable. I would say I have done the best I can so far. Even though there are lots of times that I feel like I have not. I know deep down that my love for this little being has overcome my selfishness. I live for this person now. Perhaps that's how God felt when He came to save us. So really, having a child gives me deeper understanding of God's love. Just like when I got married, I understood an aspect of God's eternal love for us. And now, another aspect. I didn't even know I was capable of loving someone this much.
On that note, I am very much aware that my priorities have shifted. By much. My life revolves around my sun now. Pun intented. I feel sorry for the things I have neglected, like my wife duty, my dogs, my grooming, and my social life especially. But you know, I am still thankful that they are forgiving. My husband understands. My dogs.. Well, they can't protest much. My grooming.. I get by. I am still decent. It has gotten better though. At least I can shower twice a day now. For my social life, I am just thankful for virtual texts. If not probably I will just talk to the mirror. In fact, you find out who are your real friends. They stick around regardless.
As my little man is turning one. I have a mixed feeling of not wanting him to grow up so fast and being excited of what is to come. Everyday this little guy suprises me with new things. Just yesterday, he seemed to have noticed that after he pees on the shower I usually take him to dry our feet on the bath rug. So after he finished peeing, he walked himself to the rug and stomped his feet. It was so cute. Really. I know I am biased but seriously, every milestone is sooooo cute.
I seem to have lost my writing juice now. Mind blocked.
Anyways, I am in the midst of planning his first birthday. So many things to think about. Or maybe I just think too much.
That's me. I think way too much that I end up not doing anything because probably my mind feels like I have done things.
I'm struggling. Struggling to do the things I want to do without thinking so much about what might happen.
I guess enough rambling for today. I will post about a topic so dear to me, breasfeeding. I might want to become an advocate for breastfeeding now. Seriously, why would anyone not do it? Okay I get why.. But the payoff though... Not to mention the convenience.. It is truly a blessing for me to be able to direct breastfeed my son.
On another note, I am in the midst of tidying up my life from clutter. Inspired by Marie Kondo. Surely I will update on that as well. For now, I gotta catch up on my sleep.
See you again soon! Hopefully real soon.