It never occurred to me that the source of my lack of confidence comes from this anxious doubt swirling in my soul. It taints my thoughts and my behaviour. Until now.
Before anything, I might have to give you the background story. One I rarely tell. Why? Because I don't demand anything from it. An apology was made, and a forgiveness was given. I dearly love them, and I will never use this story against them. So, bear this in your mind as you go along this journey down my memory lane.
When I was a child, I grew up in a not so ideal situation. My family didn't come from wealth. There's always so much work to be done, no time to rest and a lot of demands that couldn't seem to wait. It's extremely easy for anyone to be stressed out in this kind of situation. Heck, I get stressed out when I can't have my coffee in the morning. You might get stressed out when the WiFi isn't working. Imagine, having to work early in the morning only to come home to demanding children at home. I can't blame my father too. He grew up without parents. His, passed away when he was only eleven. It's already an achievement that he didn't end up in jail, managed to have a family of his own and provided for them. With this little to no guidance background, he said some things he didn't mean.
"A daughter like you, I can find a hundred more out on the street."
This statement, unknowingly steer the way I view myself in the coming years. I used to say, "No, he doesn't like me." I used to think, "I need a more apparent action, or words, or grand gestures to be sure of his love for me." I used to aim for the perfect guy because there's this irrational thinking that the more perfect the guy is, the more worthy of love I am.
I was people-pleasing because I was afraid they would leave me alone if I didn't agree with them. I rarely asked for help because I was afraid that I would inconvenience them. My independence grew from this deep-rooted feeling that no one would be there to hold my hand. As easy as a single failure, a single mistake, or a single regret would sky-rocket me into this black hole of self-doubt. See how messed up my head is?
It's changed over that last two years or so, but it will always be a constant battle. A battle, which I feel many are in as well. I hope this sharing take you to a place where you can be better than yesterday. In my case, series of events that God had let happen in my life lead up to this day. Through my friends, through my family, through anything. And tonight, the one inspired me to write, through music.
A friend of mine, let's call her Jujube (because it's her name combined with the word 'adorable' cause she's adorable -- "adobe"), sent me a youtube link one night. That link brought me to a song that further solidified the change in my heart.
The song was great, but what the Worship Leader said in the middle caught my attention:
"The reckless love of God. What I meant by reckless is not that our God is reckless. But, the way He loves, in many regards, is quite so. He's utterly unconcerned with the consequences of His actions with regard to His own safety, comfort and well-being. His love isn't crafty or sleek, it's not cunning or shrewd. In fact, all things considered, His love is quite child-like...His love doesn't wonder what He gain or lose by putting himself on the line. He simply puts himself out there on the OFF CHANCE that you and I might look back at Him and give that love in return...to many practical adult, it is a foolish concept, but for Him finding that one lost sheep is and will always be supremely important.
His love isn't cautious...He gives His heart so completely, so preposterously that if refused we would think we're irreparably broken yet He gives himself away again and again and again and again, time and time again...that's a lot of times to get His heart broken, yet He opens up and allows us back in every single time. His love says, "I don't care what it cost me. I lay my heart on the line as long as I get their hearts."
That is it.
He wants only my heart.
This heart that was once rejected is wanted! I am wanted. I am loved.
Why should I doubt? Why should I anxiously wonder if my life would get better? Why would I wonder, "what if I fail?" Why do I not dare to dream nor hope in the fear that they won't happen? Why do I search for ways to earn love? Why do I compare and justify the feeling that I am less loved than the others?
This writing is a reminder for me: that I am loved. I have a lover, who romances me in ways that is out of this world. I have a lover who waits for me patiently; to whom I tell my stories to, the good and the bad, and to whom I lay my confidence in. The One I can always count on.
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
My dear, you are loved.