Blighted light

Published on 23 Feb 2019 / by: Tan

I feel like me again. After a few weeks of uncertainty, I can finally say I’m not pregnant, anymore. 

Last month I had a positive pregnancy test. It was my first. I never had the experience of being surprised by the two lines on a pregnancy test. My first was fully planned so it was confirmed through a blood test.

I was thinking of drinking (alcohol) so I decided to pee on the stick the day before. Somehow I was hopeful, knowing that it could probably happen. And it did. It showed two freaking lines! I was going to keep it from my husband but I couldn’t. I was way too excited and nervous I needed to share the news. 

On the first doctor appointment I went alone without my husband knowing. But I told him right after though. LOL I can’t keep anything from him. He told me to come back two weeks later to check for the heartbeat. He seemed quite certain and said that there was only 0.00001% that a pregnancy test can be wrong. I tested more than five times. All came out positive.

So we waited. With the wait, came the nausea, which was supposed to be a good sign. But at the back of my mind, I was worried that something might go wrong. I didn’t even have the courage to say I’m pregnant yet. I always said I might be pregnant. My closest friends knew. Some even got a bit too excited.

THe nausea wasn't as severe as my first pregnancy, but they were there. I’d get sleepy all the time that I had to take naps. I got nauseous at the smell of any food. I thought maybe the nausea wasn’t so bad because I didn’t take meds to get pregnant this time around. 

The two weeks passed by and I was back at the examination chair. He looked and looked. There was definitely a sac there. He explained to me that the thin circle inside was the yolk but he couldn’t find the baby yet. He also mentioned that the yolk was a bit thin. He said sometimes we can’t see it yet at that time and told me to come back next week. 

I felt uncomfortable with the news but the doctor said sometimes it could be invisible yet. And with PCOS, sometimes my dates can be off. He prescribed me some hormone pills too. 

A week later, still with the symptoms, I went in innocently hopeful. I was back lying on the chair while he searched for any signs of life. None. He sympathetically said, “I think it’s a blighted ovum.” I kept quite not knowing what to say while holding back the tears. I just nodded to everything he said. He prescribed me stuff to get rid of it. Maybe I asked 1-2 questions. Meanwhile in my head, it was all I could think about. 

The moment I stepped outside the doctor’s office tears were rolling down my face. I’m not sure what I was sad about. Deep down I probably had known that it was coming, but to be actually told so was another thing. My husband flew out of town later that afternoon so I decided not to take the meds until he’s back as my son was also a bit sick at the time. 

The next day, I went to another doctor for a second opinion. Since he had only seen me once, he asked me to come back a week later to confirm. The wait was quite painful as I was feeling all kinds of symptoms while also having a cold. 

After a week, he confirmed there was nothing inside the sac. By then I was already nonchalant about the whole thing. I was more worried about the process of getting rid of the sac. He suggested to do the D&C (suction) but I opted for the pills. 

I took it later that day and boy, it was quite something. I felt contractions and my lower back was very sore. The tissue and whatever came out the next day like a blood blob. It was huge compared to what I had in mind. Probably around 10 cm resembling a sausage. After the stuff came out, it wasn’t that painful anymore. Some more blood clots were passed and then it was just blood like a normal period. 

Having been through this made me an even more grateful person. I am reminded that my life is full and content. I don’t need more things to make me happier. I have all I ever needed and more. I have friends and family who love me and take good care of me. I have a loving husband and a jolly son. Better luck next time, I guess :)



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